man in blue and brown plaid dress shirt touching his hair
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An Goldbauer


While some of us have expressed how we feel over the outcome of this election, others have offered support to their community, actively joining groups in solidarity. Others lash out at anyone who disagrees with their statements and actions. We have the right to feel upset, angry, and downright concerned over the welfare of many people. This election has served as a trigger for riots, gatherings for support, and rallies.

A loss of hope that feels like death can bring out the ugliness in people. This election has brought out the worst in people from both sides of the spectrum.

Our brains go haywire when we meet a loss of this magnitude. The neurotransmitters that operate logic misfire rapidly once stress sets in. The release of large amounts of corticosteroids (the army that fights to get us to feel better) mediates the stress response to grief. In the meantime, we respond with emotion and a lot of impulses until the balance sets in over time with the help and support of others or sometimes as the stress abates. We say things we ordinarily would never say when our hearts and heads are clear.

We have seen, heard, and read how people behave across the country, some with a sense of entitlement, others scared and uncertain of their future.

Those with a sense of entitlement feel empowered to lash out without fear of reprisal. Those who fear the worst react because of past negative experiences. Everyone is at war. An invisible wall exists.

During grief, many things happen within us when we lose control. The loss of power causes some of us to lash out and ‘let go,” as in “letting go” of all those pent-up emotions. We will resort to whatever weaponry is available to take back this loss of power and, in this case, hate speech or, as reported by the media, physical violence against others. Our ability to reason is frozen, while our emotional warfare, such as fear, hate, and resentment, override our logic and ability to stay grounded. Effective communication is essential if we are to remain civil during this discourse. In the world of good grief, when working with dying patients, families and friends are collectively anchored by one pivotal point, to stay rooted. This one crucial point is caring enough to stay close at hand to those dealing with loss. This means witnessing all behavior as we remain connected to that person. This isn’t always possible, hinging on many kinds of circumstances, and this is when we see people disconnect and break away while others seek support. There isn’t any right or wrong way to grieve except when we cannot take back what we said, did, or didn’t do. In the world of grief, we see some people, including the dying person, fall apart. We have heard the parties say some awful things to one another, and about one another, we see people who are a master of stealth, wrapped in a blanket of anger, act untouched by the words and actions of others. I hope at the end of all of this that some of us can stay friends.

Grief can bring out the ugliness in people, and sometimes we have to recognize this. I am not excusing violence, hateful speech, attacks on another human being, putting up with condescending behavior, lies, or displays of a lack of concern for our welfare. I am talking about what is occurring among ourselves, those of us in line with one another on the outcome of this election. As a post-WWII baby, who grew up in Europe, I, too, like many of you, am very concerned for our welfare. I hear the slut-shaming and see the posts of Melania Trump’s modeling photos by those from within my community. They justify their outrage at the outcome of this election. Slut-shaming sends a solid message to all young and mature female-bodied people that women who pose nude for a living are of little value and non-deserving respect. It denigrates girls and women and tears away at the very core of a women’s right to choose what she does with her body. Spewing this hateful speech directed at Melania Trump by those from the LGBT community isn’t any better than those who attack us with statements that we practice necrophilia and bestiality. Many of us in the trans community or the LGBT community have been referred to pejoratively just for who we are. Those of us who have fought for human rights continue to uphold the importance of human rights. I am taken aback by some of the reactions of those from my community who stood up for human rights, their rights, only to turn around to behave as badly as those who denied their rights.

Grief can bring out the ugliness in people. I hope that, in the end, we can stay focused and civil.

©An Goldbauer