Coming Out

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Photo by Sydney Troxell on

In an article titled Where did the phrase ‘Come out of the closet’ come from?  Arika Okrent, Editor-At-Large for The Week, Okrent covers the history of this expression. She writes, “The phrase was borrowed from the world of debutante balls, where young women ‘came out’ in being officially introduced to society. The phrase ‘coming out’ did not refer to coming out of hiding, but to joining a society of peers.” http://arika okrent the week

I remember being interviewed for Coming Out Day: in reflecting upon the experience, I now know better than to succumb to notions, as the title implied, that I was “hidden” all these years. Coming Out was a term I used; I did not have a clear understanding during those earlier years until I embarked on a documentary which, for the past four years, included 57 interviews: parents of trans children and trans youth; gender therapists and endocrine specialists, attorneys, and educators. I began photographing LGBT people, allies, and couples back in 2010. I came to a much more meaningful understanding of the Coming Out term over time. It is a term used in many groups, but not necessarily for the reasons we think.

The term, as we know, it implies that we have something to hide out of fear of shame and repercussions. We experience policing of our gender identities. The consequences result in frequent incoming reports about homicides and death by suicide. Suicide Report

Every Coming Out scenario is an announcement, anticipatory of how the receiver will react. For many, it is minus the send-off of balloons and parties. It runs the risk that people may do terrible harm to us or anyone privy to our announcement once we declare something about ourselves that falls outside of societal norms. Our sexual orientations or gender expressions and identities are not regarded by mainstream society as part of growth and development and, therefore, a natural part of life. Some cultures view us as ill-suitable and of immoral character, and we are even condemned to death in certain parts of the world for not adhering to societal rules.

Every human being encounters growth and development right up through the end of life. Who we are at age ten is not who we are at age 80. 
The questions some of us receive are endlessly predictive and too intrusive and often awkwardly posed by those who are curious.

It is the curious, intrusive, and awkward person who develops levels of sensitivity about trans issues and differences in each of us. In turn, their questions tell us much about them – the cisgender people in our world.

The Coming Out process for LGBT people is about our journey across our lifespan and isn’t always about our sexual orientation, while for some of us, it may start this way: it isn’t all of what makes up our fabric. For others, it is about identities and expressions, which define who we are on this journey: a self-examining journey, more about introspection and finding our place in the world as trans people.

Many of us work through a process, unfolding layers that define who we become over time due to exposure, experience, and education. For others, it is self-discovery, vacillating between two solidified points across a bar of identities and sexual orientations. Sexual orientations, gender identities, and expressions – outside of the socially ruled model – determines our struggles ahead.

It isn’t as if we awaken some morning to announce our identities or sexual orientations. It isn’t that we expect a celebratory event. Coming out is eased for some individuals by those who welcome diversities: for others, it results in a neglectful and sometimes harmful set of occurrences,  forced under the guise of an invite to a dinner table  – shaming us – just as if cornered on the school ground by bullies.

There is something about announcing our Coming Out that is liberating. It is why Coming Out monologues are narratives for the LGBTQIA. It owns who we are as people as we stand in solidarity, a way of coming together on common ground. Our experiences vary, yet, we fit under this one umbrella of many types of sexual orientations, identities, and expressions.

We want parents to be educated and not fall under the pressures of the stigma that coerce them to rewrite their children’s scripts in the image of an insufficient binary world where they grew up. We need more role models outside of the binary ones. We need trans and intersex spaces where those who are trans-identified or intersex can politicize our positions from our experiences and perspectives. We need the support of everyone, including those within our LGBTQIiA2S borders, and in turn, we must support one another.

Let us celebrate the expansive landscape of those who make up this beautiful and colorful fabric.  It is time we transform who we are in how we react to those who Come Out through narratives that should feel celebratory – not shameful to us, our families, friends, and communities.

Happy Coming Out Day!


©An Goldbauer